The [Ninja Turtles] henchmen Bebop and Rocksteady have hijacked the musical genres for us just like the Lone Ranger hijacked the William Tell Overture for our parents.

- xkcd

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

A Movie Review for Your Perusal

Nail Gun Massacre.

I really can't emphasis how horrible this movie is. It isn't as bad as Bloodrayne, although only because it is clear that the director cared enough to do more than one take. The only way you know he tried more than one take is due to the so-called Deleted Scenes and Outtakes which are really just effed up takes.

The plot is simplistic and has a Friday the 13th part 2 ending. The dialogue is worse and most of the actors look like they were hillbillies that were roped, probably literally, into performing because they were the first people the director saw on the street/dirt road after setting up his shots.

In a town, and I use the term extremely loosely, of maybe fifty to a hundred people, perhaps 30 people are killed by a nail gun. The sheriff has trouble figuring out how the killer got people to stand still enough for him/her to hammer in the nails. Even though the only obvious sources of employment in the town are the sheriff's office, coroner's office and the multitude of construction sites, the sheriff has never heard of a nail gun. No one stops to inform him of this miracle of modern tool design, but whatever, after all they aren't paid enough to remember their lines.

The director, Terry Lofton, is proud of his creation, which is cool. He apparently got his start as a stuntman for the Dukes of Hazzard, which is even cooler. He makes comments in the commentary over the Deleted Scenes and Outtakes that are essentially him asking for money to make the sequel, which is by far the coolest part of the movie. Terry Lofton has giant, brass balls.

Next to see: California Axe Massacre


At 1/17/2006 12:01 PM, Blogger fulsome said...

Thanks for finally reviewing it!

Did you make your brother watch?

At 1/17/2006 12:07 PM, Blogger Chuckles said...

Nah, I watched it while I packed Tuesday morning. And by watched I mean, watched until the second silly scene of murders and then fast forwarded and watched the parts that looked interesting.*

*By interesting, I mean, had nudity.

At 1/17/2006 3:36 PM, Blogger fulsome said...

Aww, I was hoping the flamethrower scenes would have more staying power.

We need a checklist and rating system for B-movies, the B stands for Bad.

At 1/18/2006 7:01 AM, Blogger Chuckles said...

Not always. Deep Rising was awesome. Did I miss a flamethrower scene?

At 1/18/2006 9:07 AM, Blogger dontEATnachos said...

Deep Rising is excellent. The only decent movie that Steven Sommers made.

At 1/18/2006 9:53 AM, Blogger Chuckles said...

Speaking of that cloacular filmmaker, this bodes ill indeed.

Flash Gordon (2006) (announced)
When Worlds Collide (2006) (announced)

At 1/18/2006 9:54 AM, Blogger Chuckles said...

I wonder if I can kill this line of comments as well.

At 1/18/2006 9:55 AM, Blogger dontEATnachos said...

Flash Gordon was announced like 2 years ago and it hasn't made any progress that I can tell. The first was so excellent, I don't really see how you could improve upon its cheesiness

At 1/18/2006 10:05 AM, Blogger Adorable Girlfriend said...

There he is: Mr. Nacho man!

You owe me a meme and where is the 'stick article?

Have you been too busy to not give the love to your #1 fan?!

At 1/18/2006 10:11 AM, Blogger dontEATnachos said...

I've got lots of #1 fans. And I am a #1 fan of my paycheck so I spend most of my time working on that.

The 'Stick article will go online at some point. Some (read: all) of the photos turned out pretty poor so I'm trying to do what I can to touch them up in Photoshop before I post them.

At 1/18/2006 11:25 AM, Blogger Adorable Girlfriend said...

Fair enough Nacho. I will wait patiently to hear about Panda Day 2006. It sounds like you got a glimpse at her. How exciting!

At 1/18/2006 12:06 PM, Blogger pop renaissance said...

memes are for suckers.

At 1/18/2006 2:18 PM, Blogger dontEATnachos said...

Butterstick is a dude!

At 1/18/2006 2:44 PM, Blogger Chuckles said...

Screw MEMES and Malkin!


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