The [Ninja Turtles] henchmen Bebop and Rocksteady have hijacked the musical genres for us just like the Lone Ranger hijacked the William Tell Overture for our parents.

- xkcd

Monday, November 06, 2006

The War On Christmas Begins Last Tuesday

It's recently come to my attention that some people don't enjoy me hating on Christmas cookies. They say things like, "Wah wah, I'm a liberal and don't like it when people pick on defenseless little cookies!" or "Why u hatin' on dem Xmas cookiez, bra?"

The answer: REVENGE.

Maybe you've never been entered into years of servitude because of that bastard called Christmas but I certainly have (the elves know what I'm talking about. right guys?). Well I have and it's a miracle I've even lived to tell about it.

There are several points I think it necessary to consider.

1) Monetary Drain

Buying gifts is a freaking expensive. Not only do you have to buy gifts for that one person in your life you care about, you also have to buy gifts for the 10 other jackasses who buy you things you know you don't want but will still feel guilty throwing/giving away in the middle of January.

Add in the cost of traveling home (in my case flying) and you're easily blowing some large bills.

2) Time Suck

In addition to the $$$ cost of Christmas you've also got the CLOCKCLOCKCLOCK cost. You have to take vacation days to sit around doing nothing with your family (inside because it's too cold to go out to do anything and stuff that is open is crowded and annoying).

There's also that time you've got to waste all that time trying to find gifts for people who, like you, will think whatever you got them is a lame sack of crap. Also, you then have to disguise said gifts in pieces of paper that are attractive looking. So you get to waste hours wrapping (but don't wrap before you fly, cause they could just make you open them and all your work would be for nothing.)

Even worse than the buying of gifts though are the holiday traditions. Decorating the tree. Let's put a bunch of breakable junk on a tree for about 3 weeks. Get upset if it gets knocked down and be paranoid that the tree is going to burn down the house. Then 3 weeks later put all of it back in a box until next year.

The biggest culprit though has got to be Christmas baking. Every year we have to do the rollout cookies. Lots of people just sprinkle their round cookies, not mine though. We make like 80,000 kinds of cookies. Some have to be rolled in sugar after baking, some have to be pressed out of some dumb cannister, and most annoying there are the others have to be cut into shapes first and then iced.

Last year my girlfriend was over and was helping out during the icening. Unfortunately she was not experienced and was having lots of fun enjoying the novelty of decorating cookies in the shape of houses, snowmen, trees, bells, cats, dinosaurs, you know, the usual. That's all well and good, but when you've got approximately 3 billion cookies to ice you have to step it up a bit. I still have blisters and hand wounds from my furious icing pace. It was horrifying. HORRIFYING.

3) Nowhere to Hide

The worst part about Christmas though is that there's nowhere to hide. You can't get away from your annoying relatives or nagging family. You can't just sit somewhere and drink until you pass out. No, you've got to sit around and talk about crap. Lame things like what you do and life plans and other BS like that. That's if they're not nagging you about your relationship and when you're going to settle down.

The only thing that maybe salvages it is Christmas Day football. Ah the sweet respite of professional sports. I don't know if that makes up for having to watch It's a Wonderful Life again but I guess I'll settle for that.

So that's why we went to war on Christmas, none of that religious fluff those other punks through out there. And this war could always use more troops (cause unlike Iraq, I don't care about who dies fighting this war) so if you want to join up just email your congressman to have them ban Christmas.

I'm hoping that sometime before Christmas I'll be able to get a template anti-Christmas letter up for you guys.


At 11/07/2006 5:00 AM, Blogger Chuckles said...

You need to take lessons from the Christmas Ghost. I show up whenever I want to and disappear when I feel ghosting.

I am 1 for 3 in the last three Christmas celebrations with my family. I just prefer to be alone and do the drinky style of CHristmas.

At 11/07/2006 5:25 AM, Anonymous Adorable Girlfriend said...

You better hope Res doesn't see this post!!

Become Jewish and all the shit and pain go away! How many times does AG have to sell the Jews before y'all get it?!

At 11/07/2006 6:46 AM, Blogger Chuckles said...

That is such a bait and switch. Sure, there is no Christmas in Jewlandia, but you have to buy 8 days of presents for people.

What the hell is that?

At 11/07/2006 7:17 AM, Blogger Dennis said...

Why not just move very, very far away? I've managed to avoid eight out of the nine Christmases by living 9000km away.
Had to go home for a wedding the one time, so technically not really for Christmas.
And which army are you baking for? My God.

At 11/07/2006 7:33 AM, Blogger dontEATnachos said...

AG, you don't realize that simply walking away from Christmas isn't enough. I need blood. Christmas will pay.

Chuckles, is right about the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future, that is a Christmas worth celebrating.

You better watch out because Christmas could strike AT ANY TIME.

At 11/07/2006 8:12 AM, Blogger Chuckles said...

Christmas has an elite strike force of elves that have claimed thousands of victims, but they won't get me.

I have recently contacted an agent of the Meximuslamofascists and I am going to act to cancel out Christmas and the Meximuslamofascibags by directing them to the same warehouse as a double agent.

At 11/07/2006 8:21 AM, Blogger dontEATnachos said...

Mexicans are all catholic though, right? So where does the "Mexi" come from then?

At 11/07/2006 8:33 AM, Blogger Dennis said...

Chuckles: Denmark and Netto, eh? (Netto has a special edition Danish woven paper Christmas heart Scottie dog edition bag -- that's all one word in German -- so this is kind of on topic.) Where abouts and whenabouts did you go to school there?

At 11/07/2006 12:19 PM, Blogger Chuckles said...

dEn: They're the menace of the summer, haven't you heard?

dennis: I lived there for a little while, but did not attend school in Denmark.

At 11/07/2006 3:21 PM, Blogger dontEATnachos said...

I was actually for the Mexicans before I was against them.

Hmmm, did I forget an "us" in there somewhere?

At 11/09/2006 5:59 AM, Anonymous Res Publica said...

Chuckles, is right about the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future, that is a Christmas worth celebrating.

You must give of yourself to the Great Red Ape.



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