It's recently come to my attention that some people don't enjoy me hating on Christmas cookies. They say things like, "Wah wah, I'm a liberal and don't like it when people pick on defenseless little cookies!" or "Why u hatin' on dem Xmas cookiez, bra?"The answer: REVENGE.
Maybe you've never been entered into years of servitude because of that bastard called Christmas but I certainly have (the elves know what I'm talking about. right guys?). Well I have and it's a miracle I've even lived to tell about it.
There are several points I think it necessary to consider.
1) Monetary Drain
Buying gifts is a freaking expensive. Not only do you have to buy gifts for that one person in your life you care about, you also have to buy gifts for the 10 other jackasses who buy you things you know you don't want but will still feel guilty throwing/giving away in the middle of January.
Add in the cost of traveling home (in my case flying) and you're easily blowing some large bills.
2) Time Suck
In addition to the $$$ cost of Christmas you've also got the CLOCKCLOCKCLOCK cost. You have to take vacation days to sit around doing nothing with your family (inside because it's too cold to go out to do anything and stuff that is open is crowded and annoying).There's also that time you've got to waste all that time trying to find gifts for people who, like you, will think whatever you got them is a lame sack of crap. Also, you then have to disguise said gifts in pieces of paper that are attractive looking. So you get to waste hours wrapping (but don't wrap before you fly, cause they could just make you open them and all your work would be for nothing.)
Even worse than the buying of gifts though are the holiday traditions. Decorating the tree. Let's put a bunch of breakable junk on a tree for about 3 weeks. Get upset if it gets knocked down and be paranoid that the tree is going to burn down the house. Then 3 weeks later put all of it back in a box until next year.
The biggest culprit though has got to be Christmas baking. Every year we have to do the rollout cookies. Lots of people just sprinkle their round cookies, not mine though. We make like 80,000 kinds of cookies. Some have to be rolled in sugar after baking, some have to be pressed out of some dumb cannister, and most annoying there are the others have to be cut into shapes first and then iced.
Last year my girlfriend was over and was helping out during the icening. Unfortunately she was not experienced and was having lots of fun enjoying the novelty of decorating cookies in the shape of houses, snowmen, trees, bells, cats, dinosaurs, you know, the usual. That's all well and good, but when you've got approximately 3 billion cookies to ice you have to step it up a bit. I still have blisters and hand wounds from my furious icing pace. It was horrifying. HORRIFYING.
3) Nowhere to Hide
The worst part about Christmas though is that there's nowhere to hide. You can't get away from your annoying relatives or nagging family. You can't just sit somewhere and drink until you pass out. No, you've got to sit around and talk about crap. Lame things like what you do and life plans and other BS like that. That's if they're not nagging you about your relationship and when you're going to settle down.
The only thing that maybe salvages it is Christmas Day football. Ah the sweet respite of professional sports. I don't know if that makes up for having to watch It's a Wonderful Life again but I guess I'll settle for that.
So that's why we went to war on Christmas, none of that religious fluff those other punks through out there. And this war could always use more troops (cause unlike Iraq, I don't care about who dies fighting this war) so if you want to join up just email your congressman to have them ban Christmas.
I'm hoping that sometime before Christmas I'll be able to get a template anti-Christmas letter up for you guys.
posted by dontEATnachos @ 5:36 PM
