The [Ninja Turtles] henchmen Bebop and Rocksteady have hijacked the musical genres for us just like the Lone Ranger hijacked the William Tell Overture for our parents.

- xkcd

Friday, June 16, 2006

The Inspiration for Jonah Goldberg's Infatuation with the Politics of BSG, or How I learned to write for conservablogs and not care.

I wonder who would win in a Hard Core Star Wars Drink Off? He linked to this old bit of alternate history today. The article is a classic example of "How to Rewrite Events/Fiction So Conservatives Look Good."

For example:
"Which makes the Jedi not a democratic militia, but a royalist Swiss guard." Damn Swiss and their hoighty toighty, fancy knife having army.

"Make no mistake, as emperor, Palpatine is a dictator--but a relatively benign one, like Pinochet." Or Chavez, you ignorant dickhead?

"Also, unlike the divine-right Jedi, the Empire is a meritocracy." Just like the Republican't party.

"And while it's a small point, the Empire's manners and decorum speak well of it. When Darth Vader is forced to employ bounty hunters to track down Han Solo, he refuses to address them by name. Even Boba Fett, the greatest of all trackers, is referred to icily as "bounty hunter." And yet Fett understands the protocol. When he captures Solo, he calls him "Captain Solo." (Whether this is in deference to Han's former rank in the Imperial starfleet, or simply because Han owns and pilots his own ship, we don't know. I suspect it's the former.)" Oh yeah, Boba Fett is fucking saint who was only reminded not to DISINTEGRATE PEOPLE by the ever polite Darth Vader who apologized profusely to the widows of all the officers he CHOKED THE SHIT OUT OF.

"The Empire doesn't want slaves or destruction or 'evil.' It wants order." Sweet, sweet order. Soul crushing, personal freedom denying order. Which is why they didn't enslave the Wookiess but instead baked them cookies, sweet, sweet cookies.

"In Episode IV, Imperial stormtroopers kill Luke's aunt and uncle and Grand Moff Tarkin orders the destruction of an entire planet, Alderaan. But viewed in context, these acts are less brutal than they initially appear." Aaaah, context. I love basking in the warm glow of context. The Empire wasn't evil because they investigated Dantoine before blowing up Alderaan. What? You didn't see that scene? It is a Super Secret Easter Egg on the Special Neo-Cons From a Galaxy Far, Far Away Edition of Star Wars. It isn't available in all DVD regions and I only saw it on this one disc in this guy's basement in Alameda. I can see why Lucas didn't want to include it because the acting and the lighting of the scene didn't quite work. The set dressing was pretty crappy, too. It looked a bit like a basement of some a rambler and the woman in the back of the set standing in the doorway to the detention block with a tray of cookies and lemonade was sorta odd, but still man, you could tell it was legit. Lucas just cut it for time.

"Whatever the case, the important thing to recognize is that the Empire is not committing random acts of terror. It is engaged in a fight for the survival of its regime against a violent group of rebels who are committed to its destruction." Fear will keep them in line. Fear of this battlestation. And the puppies. We are now starting a massive campaign of puppification starting with, oooooh, Tattoine. Right after we blow up Alderaan, we will begin delivering puppies to everyone but those furry midgets on Endor. Those little bastards are cute enough already.

"Which makes the rebels--Lucas's heroes--an unimpressive crew of anarchic royals who wreck the galaxy so that Princess Leia can have her tiara back." Didn't the empire blow up the planet on which she was a princess? If this jackass thinks she was a princess of the Republic, maybe he was watching the Brazilian version of Star Wars.

"I'll take the Empire." The Empire does need more Storm Troopers, I hear. Since you have likely never had to fight or shoot anything that shoots back in your life, you are already well trained for the job. That and the fact that you are a dumb moron.


At 6/16/2006 10:22 AM, Anonymous Pinko Punko said...

Well done, Chuckypants

At 6/16/2006 10:53 AM, Blogger Chuckles said...

Only a few years too late, but this some crazy crap.

At 6/16/2006 1:04 PM, Anonymous Adorable Girlfriend said...

Chuckypants? Ooooh, I'm telling Uncanny pants. He's going to be MAD!

At 6/17/2006 7:58 AM, Blogger Chuckles said...

I am wondering if the UC will recognize me in a couple weeks.

At 6/18/2006 5:04 AM, Blogger mdhatter said...

""Also, unlike the divine-right Jedi, the Empire is a meritocracy."

you mean like, you earn your way there by your ability to control the world around you?

yep, Jedi's certainly can't do that.

I think he meant to say "imperial fascist dictatorship", and I DO NOT mean that in an "I said hitler first" sort of way.

At 6/18/2006 10:51 AM, Blogger Chuckles said...

I think he meant it in a "I would rather be drugged and left for dead in Xibalba, then actually know liberty" way.

At 6/18/2006 10:05 PM, Blogger teh l4m3 said...

Or rather, the Turkish version of Star Wars...

At 6/19/2006 9:19 AM, Blogger Chuckles said...

I thought there was a Brazilian one in the Wave, too. I have a few copies of those issues. Specifically, the ones with the Brazilian/Turkish Star Wars and the Turkish ET.

Turkish E.T. rawks my world.

At 6/20/2006 5:57 AM, Anonymous Adorable Girlfriend said...

Chuckles, how are either of us going to recognize you? Remember, we only see HNT pictures of people on the blogs other than AIF who likes to out himself before Patty-the-loser does.

At 6/20/2006 7:43 AM, Blogger Chuckles said...

That was a joke about the UC's post on facial recognition.


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