The [Ninja Turtles] henchmen Bebop and Rocksteady have hijacked the musical genres for us just like the Lone Ranger hijacked the William Tell Overture for our parents.

- xkcd

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Are YOU Prepared?


In the 30 years there have been a number of documentaries detailing the potential outcomes of the Zombie Apocolypse.

It seems that those warnings have gone unheeded.

Seriously, with all of the science we have now and the recent experience with Katrina, you would think that we would be more prepared for these kind of situations. Our state, local, and national governments seem to have other "more pressing" concerns though.

I don't really know what else we can do besides ensuring that as individuals we are are prepared. Visit the National Center for Reanimation Prevention and Control (NCRPC) to learn the ins and outs of Zombie hordes. Also, to check Zombie alert status and to get important tips for surviving in the Zombie Apocolypse make sure to visit The Combat Guide.

You can't expect the government to do all of this for you. It's up to each one of us to be prepared for the zombie menace. Don't be caught unaware!

10 Comments:

At 10/20/2005 10:06 AM, Blogger Chuckles said...

I was worried about bird flu and now I know why. It will indubitably cause a zombification in those infected with a 3:1 ratio. Indeed, rumors among from the Indonesian government indicate that the H5N1 has a zombification rate of better than 5:1. Reanimated chickens are proving particularly obstinate and require total incineration.

In light of these and other salient facts, I can see no other recourse than to buy stock in home and garden tool companies and purchase at least one chainsaw per male family group member and several shotguns with substantial ammunition. The stock purchases will help defray any costs incurred by hoarding supplies or building an undead shelter (with the required two in/egress points), once the general populace learns of the reanimating power of H5N1, there will be a massive surge in power tool sales.

As a simple reminder, when building your undead shelter, stealth is as important as strength. If the zombified bastards don't know you are there, then they won't hang around your door waiting for you.

If only we had some data on the decay rates of reanimated tissue, we would know how long to remain in the shelters.

 
At 10/20/2005 10:23 AM, Blogger dontEATnachos said...

Chuckles brings up an interesting point. Would it be better to live in a more northern area like Wisconsin or Minnesoat with a much slower decay rate for the undead zombie flesh but have the advantage of zombies being completely frozen in the coldest winter months, or somewhere more hot like Florida where the bodies would surely decompose very quickly.

Another important question would be if living in the desert could possibly dehydrate the zombies enough to render them immobile? Interesting questions ...

 
At 10/20/2005 1:12 PM, Blogger Chuckles said...

I would prefer the northern latitudes, infact I am building my shelter up in Wisconsin as we converse. During the winter months, one could send teams out to destroy frozen zombies with heavy, sturdy blunt objects like sledgehammers or metal baseball bats.

As yet, there is no evidence that supports a claim of decomposition. So far, all zombies seem to reach a state of decomposition that leaves them mobile and aggressive until massive trauma reduces the corpse's ability to move.

Indeed, severing a head will frequently leave the body in final repose while leaving the brain and skull active. The precise amount of trauma required for the undead brain to shut down is excessive. Essentialy the zombie's brain must be externally located, preferably in several pieces and no longer attached to the spinal cord.

 
At 10/20/2005 1:27 PM, Anonymous brainmucher said...

ROURAGH!!!

unh

uuunh

UUGHANGH!

 
At 10/20/2005 2:58 PM, Blogger dontEATnachos said...

Chuckles, I think brainmucher (maybe he meant 'muncher' perhaps) has some valid points. I do agree with your response. I think that on some level the zombiefication process may retard or eliminate decay to the body.

If that is the case, then our best hope would be that they would actually freeze solid in the winter. Since they have no circulation, this seems probable.

Still, the cold climate introduces new problems like heating and food sources. These issues would require constant attention and in the event that your undead shelter is breached would require you to transfer at least some of the goods and supplies to a new safer location.

Another important question would be what strain of zombiefication you're dealing with. Are they fast zombies or slow zombies? Slow zombies certainly are the more manageable of the two but there are considerably different problems to address with each.

 
At 10/20/2005 3:50 PM, Blogger fulsome said...

Is California immune to zombie attacks? It seems the undead prefer to avoid earthquake-prone areas.

Personally, though I find them more disgusting...I think the malleability of zombies would be far more helpful. At least you know they'll burn themselves out quickly.

 
At 10/20/2005 10:05 PM, Blogger Chuckles said...

Ah, but as brainmucher said, "ungh" which I take to mean, "we don't rot". Fast or slow, you still must destroy their brains. Which makes me think that this is a form of neurological virus that is transmitted, as is well known, through saliva. I would be willing to bet that it has something to prions. There have been doctors studying unliving subjects, if that is the proper term, could not locate the cause of the zombification.

 
At 10/20/2005 10:06 PM, Anonymous brainmuncher said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUGH!

RAGHALA ASH MUUUUUGH!

 
At 10/23/2005 12:16 PM, Blogger Chuckles said...

In one final comment on Pittsburgh's preparation of the petrified populace, I have been to the Pittsburgh Greyhound terminal when riding cross country on the dog and I can state without doubt that the zombie hordes have already penetrated the city's security. The undead roam that station during the night hours and will attack any of the living without provocation or hesitation. When riding the Dog from DC to all points in the northern half of the country, one must be prepared to bash some heads in Pittsburgh.

One of the zombie bastards tried to tell me about an ex-girl-boyfriend he had once. He found out three dates in that he was dating a hermaphrodite. I bashed his head in with a stale cheeseburger from the vending machine.

 
At 1/16/2006 10:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi,
You have a neat blog here. I have a site on Garden Power Tools that you may be interested in linking to.

 

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